The Peril of Love : Part IV

The Fall

Most of our days are habitual, we perform the same routine that is required of us and our day ends as soon as it begins. It would not be unfair to state that most days of our lives are unremarkable. Due to the fact that I’m living in the country that borderline the equator, most of my days are unremarkably hot.

Late 2010, I woke up quarter past morning, stumbled and fumbled my way out to brunch. As I walked under the scorching hot sun, I realised I left my wallet in the drawer. Swearing under my breath, I turned back to retrieve it, not realising what I almost missed had I not forgotten my wallet on that fateful day.

Even as I was climbing the steep hill from my allocated parking spot, I thought to myself: “This is what it feels like to be a rotisserie chicken.” As I slouched my way up the hill and subsequently the stairs, I entertained the thought of fasting, chuckled a little and braced myself for glorious heat of the Malaysian weather.

Next, the unexpected happened.

If the sounds I heard while in the descending elevator weren’t preceded by a loud terrifying scream, I would’ve thought that a vase had fallen from six levels above. As the elevators door opened, I walked out and there was silence, and nothing else. I noticed fragment of roof tiles on the ground as I inched closer to the source of the noise, and still there was only the sound of silence. The beat of my heart increased accompanied by adrenaline kicking in; something was amiss. I shifted my focus a little further up, and lo and behold, before me, was a body.

On that unremarkable hot day, I was first on the scene of a suicide.

1. Happily Ever After

“There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does one life really means? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything: the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness” –Beverly Clark, Shall We Dance.

The white wedding cake that sits on the side of the stage has three stories. Sitting right at the very top, are two swans; one black and another white, separated by a number of miniature ancient Roman columns. They symbolise the union of a man and a woman. Adjacent to the cake stood a man in white with a cross around his neck, staring down the aisle smiling as the music started to play, signalling the beginning of a holy matrimony.

The band playing in the wedding consists of four members. One of them, Matthew has left the band weeks ago in search of a career in law, due to his discontentment with the progression of the band’s music career. The rest of the members, though distraught at the loss of their bassist, decides to persevere and remain persistent towards their dream, simply because there is nowhere in this world they’d rather be than in the studios making music. At the opposite side of the stage from the cake, they played Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel as per the request from the organiser.

The groom, a young man 27 years of age, waits impatiently for the bridesmaid to cross one end of the aisle to another. After what seems like an eternity, he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves in anticipation of the following proceedings that are about to take place. His unrest escalates as his bride’s march down the aisle is delayed. Doubts began to stir in his head.

“What if she’s gotten cold feet and left? How embarrassing would that be for me in front of all my friends and family! Is there another guy? Was it because I was always at work and neglected her over the past month? Or maybe it is because of my poor temperament? Or perhaps...”

As all these thoughts crossed his head, she enters the scene.

As the centre of attention shifts toward the bride, friends and relatives alike rejoice in unison upon the glory of true love that existed under the little chapel at the countryside. The groom now breathes easy in the present of his beloved walking down the aisle, charmed by her presence in the room filled with over a hundred people, and all doubts were immediately dispelled as he brace himself for the final frontier of a relationship- the sacred covenant since the dawn of civilisation. Happy ending is but a stone throw away.

Only to find that happy endings are tales left unfinished.

2. Unfinished Business

“...and to please her I’ll marry a man whom I oblige myself to love. He and I will end up finding a way of dreaming of a future together: a house in the country, children, and our children’s future. We’ll make love often in the first year, less in the second, and after the third year, people perhaps think about sex only once a fortnight and transform that thought into action only once a month. Even worse, we’ll barely talk. I’ll force myself to accept the situation, and I’ll wonder what’s wrong with me, because he no longer takes any interest in me, ignores me, and does nothing but talk about his friends, as if they were his real world.

When the marriage is just about to fall apart, I’ll get pregnant. We’ll have a child, feel closer to each other for a while, and then the situation will go back to what it was before.

I’ll begin to put on weight like the aunt that nurse was talking about yesterday – or was it days ago, I don’t really know. And I’ll start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. At that point, I’ll take those magic pills that stop you feeling depressed, and then I’ll have a few more children, conceived during nights of love that pass all too quickly.” –Veronika, Veronika decides to die.

The beginning of a marriage is filled with moments of thoughtfulness, compassion and boundless of happiness; we’re young, free and in love, filled with bright potentials and our prestigious degrees and doctorates, along with endless enthusiasm for whatever challenges that may come, the future it seems, could not arrive any sooner.

At his prime, Adam was the leader of his college basketball team and the debate team. Outspoken and intelligent, Adam was predicted to have a successful career in the business sector. His professor thought he should start his path in the world of auditing, so as to build a solid foundation and insight. Adam didn’t hesitate for a moment to sign up with one of the largest accounting firms. As he gazed upon his reflection in front of the posh, silver reflective surface of the elevator in his office building, he thought to himself that this is the beginning of the end - the end of his stepping stone.

Eve’s first love had always been the field of technology, more specifically, the world of artificial intelligence. From a young age where other girls were interested in Barbie dolls, Eve was obsessed with robots and dreams of a day where she would design her very own C-3PO to share with the world. A head hunter soon presents her with the opportunity to do so after she graduated with the highest honours in the relevant field.

Yet as the future approaches, it diverged from what was expected. The mansion with expensive supercars on the porch had not become a reality. Instead it was the same apartment that was bought before the wedding along with that overpriced coupe that did not seem too practical now with the expected child, who was conceived during a night where passion overrides rationale for a mere ten seconds of pleasure, accompanied by the silent derailment of a well thought out plan.

The car loan and house mortgage was not a problem with two pay checks, but with the unexpected pregnancy along with the bad economy, the man decided to stay in a job that he thought he’d just spend a couple of years in. The wife on the other hand, was having mixed feelings as she pondered upon the pregnancy test result. Her father certainly did not pay for her to undergo the Masters programme to be a housewife, at least not so soon.

The first year was difficult, having to juggle family with career. The couple sold the coupe in favour of a second hand four door saloon. When the child grew beyond the age of infancy, the wife was persuaded to stay home as the husband rakes more money from a managerial position. Eve puts her aspirations on hold for the sake of her family, and silently hands in her resignation letter. She often dreams of returning to the field when her child has outgrown his need for her, but that thought faded into the back of her head and disappeared overtime.

In the late December of the following years, Adam returned home in the closing hours of the day. He saw the back of his wife staring at the television, nonchalantly greeting and telling him there are leftovers in the kitchen. He took off his shoes and walked into the apartment, noticing the dust that had been accumulating at the corners, that the laundry that was left at the side of the washing machine and the unwashed dishes that was left for days. It infuriated Adam. He told his wife that if she had time for television, she had time to do the dishes.

All hell broke loose.

It was not for the first time nor will it be the last. Over the years, there were fights over the littlest of things and she felt the man she once knew, was long gone. The children were forced to witness the verbal argument which sometimes turned violent, and then the second day will ensue like nothing has happened. It was an endless cycle that persisted throughout the years, until the day before Christmas where she found a hidden package that contained a diamond necklace, only to receive a gift in form of a CD titled: Collection of the Greatest Classical Music.

The moment where she unwrapped the gift in the presence of her family, was when it all made sense. His spontaneous tenderness and attention were all but sincere. All the agony that befell was deafening and yet from her calm exterior, there was no telling of her anguish. She had lost all willpower to continue fighting, and hope in all that is good.

At an unremarkable hot afternoon, she stood at the balcony and looked six floors below. Her dreams and aspirations were nonexistent. Her spirit was crushed. She thought of all those times where she felt special, and wondered when it all turned into lies. She remembered the first date where she was so certain that he was a nice guy that would never hurt her. But as she steps out from the balcony and plunged six floors down, all of that does not matter anymore.

3. The Peril of Love

This is where all of the previous stories come together, and the peril of love is finally resolved. It first started over the relationship with the nice guy who slowly and gradually turned into the martyr man. Upon leaving the relationship, one stumbles across a myriad amount of jerks until time and societal pressures become too much to bear, resulting in the contentment of returning to square one; to the arms of another nice guy. Henceforth, the happiness of the marriage breaks down and eventually disintegrates, leaving behind the victim in the form of a child.

We often find the parties who are involved in a failed relationship quoting: “All men/woman are only after one thing, sex/money”, “I don’t wanna be in love anymore”, “Love is bullshit”, etc. We then witness the drowning of their failed relationship in whiskey and tears before bed. Slowly but surely, we witness their ascension from deep depression only to repeat the same mistakes again, with the exception of a very few who manages to break out from the cycle.

But consider the effect when that cycle repeats over and over, and if the cycle does not repeat, but digs deeper? I’ve witness individuals who were betrayed and turned into possessive and distrustful partners in the subsequent relationship. Some turn into workaholics, preferring to submerge into a pile of work instead of facing the catastrophic end, while others end up bed-hopping from one bed to another, only to regret at the break of dawn.

However, if we conclude that these are the perils of love, we would be overlooking the big picture. Because the peril of love lies not in what we become after a failed relationship-that is merely the manifestation. But rather, the peril of love lies in the hopelessness and despair, desolated state we find ourselves in.

It is in the innocence and faith that we once had, but lost.

End