The Peril of Love : Part II

The Martyr Man

"...Too much virtue was thus seen as a vice. Perhaps that explains why so many saints end up as martyrs. They are simply too irritating." -The Economist, 21st August 2010

In part I, we've looked at how a "nice guy" would divert in courtship. Type A is usually seen in characters with low self-esteem, who generally do not think that they are good enough for the girl (probably due to physical appearances), and so they devise a different tactic- to be friends first. They come with various methods get closer to you, i.e. requests to be your pet brother. However, type A guys are easy to look out for and avoid whereas type B are the ones who are harder to spot.

Type Bs are the ones who realize that they should just go for the damn bush instead spending so much time beating around it. They understand that in order to win the attention of a lady, they need to look confident, charismatic and intellectual. Plus, a six pack definitely wouldn't hurt. This is the reason why Type Bs are tremendously hard to spot in a social context. They package themselves to be genuine nice guys, and the perfect lover.

Type B guys are also separated by two categories. The Alpha males, easy to distinguished, are commonly known to society as jerks. These men would be on their best behaviour on dates, seem pleasant and agreeable, and some are even able to fake genuine interest in their female counterpart. That is until bedroom activity happens. After which, depending on their date's sexual attractiveness and their prowess in bed, their interest normally wanes and the calls stop coming. These are the Barney Stinsons, Don Juans and Casanovas of society.

These womanizers are only after one thing - sex. And they are easy to identify because they almost always will steer the conversation into that direction, especially after some food and wine. Well, mostly wine.

Beta males are also common, but subtle. The range of these Beta males varies, but they are usually painted as confident, charismatic and charming. Every joke is savvy, every story is animated and every compliment sincere. These individuals are the life of the party, and their personalities are magnetic. When they speak, they leave their audience transfixed and hanging on to their every word. Their life experiences become fodders for their stories and it spans far and wide, from logical insightful to the far-fetched stories that seems uncanny. It's hard to not be attracted to larger than life personas like these.

Of course, I'm not saying that all who possesses such personality traits are type B beta, rather, it is the beta of type B who love to camouflage themselves as such, and it is hard to tell whether or not beneath the charming exterior, a twisted monster lies in wait. However, there is one trait that they cannot elude one with acute observation and sense of perspective, and this trait will surface no matter how they try to hide it.

But first, we shall look at the mechanics of these individuals.

1. Everybody in Wonderland

I believe everyone lives in a world that is somewhat different from reality. In our world, everything is perfect and ideal. We project these perfections to the world, making the world a reality of our mental projection. This is argued in Plato's Theory of Forms, which could simply be illustrated with the Student Expectancy Model.

The model is the simple observation of students from the age of 6 to 17. Take any sample size of students that reside in the city, the preferred ethnicity being Chinese, and observe them during results day of a major exam. Then, scrutinize their reaction toward their result. The pattern would be clear, some students will be overjoyed just because of a sheer pass in their examination whereas some would be extremely disappointed with a minor B slipped in between their list of As.

The mixed reactions stem from the different expectations of results. They can be grouped in three categories: there are those who worked hard and are rewarded with excellent results, there are those who worked hard and did not achieve the high grades or scores they wanted, and then there are those who did not study at all but somehow scraped through. Among these three categories, those who worked hard and did not score would feel disappointed, no doubt. They are the ones that who would cry, and in some extreme cases, commit suicide. In the cases of these students, ideal (being straight As for their examinations) did not meet reality.

Naturally, we would think our effort would equate in proportion to success, but we often leave out one key component: the required effort to attain success in a given context. When we undertake to grow the best coffee bean in the world, we would think of getting the right location, soil, crop, skills, etc. But what about other factors that we aren't aware of?

What if the required effort actually surpassed our estimated effort?

By wrongly estimating our efforts required, we would be disappointed by the results. Normally, the general populace would then re-examine the estimated effort and restructure it to the targeted outcome, in this case, better coffee beans. However, the outliers of the said populace fail to see the outcome as their own failure or weakness, instead, blaming it on cosmic conspiracy. Fixated on the ideal that their effort put in cannot be inadequate, they constantly seek out other factors to blame.

Welcome to the world of the obsessive.

2. Obsession

There is a fallacy in the general idea of obsession. When we witness a man's relentless pursuit of a girl, we could come out with numerous perspectives. From the said man's perspective, perseverance. From his friend's perspective, persistence. From her friend's perspective, insistence and from her own perspective, obsession.

When we think about obsession, we often relate it to individuals who can't tear themselves away from performing a certain action, such as a person washing his hands repeatedly in the washroom for hours. Sadly, we are mistaken. The behaviours we see are the manifestation of an idea, as for the case above, the idea of a squeaky clean hand.

All of us exhibit these little character defects, whether trivial or not. It is well documented in films of romance genre, i.e. before a man approaches a woman, he would rehearse his pick up lines in front of a mirror for minutes to hours, depending on whether he's a suave gentleman, or a wimpy kid. The same can be said for women who simply can't tear themselves away from the mirror, wondering if their jeans make them look fat. The speech rehearsal does not represent an obsessive behaviour towards looking into a mirror, but rather, the idea of a good pickup line, or jeans that make your butt look smaller, that is driving the repeated behaviour of speech rehearsals and long hours in front of the mirror.

Thus, obsession is the fixation of an idea and the unhealthy attachment that comes with it; this behaviour is merely the result of a character defect. Left uncontrolled, it would intensify and grow overtime, embedding itself into the core of an individual, becoming the individual itself.

In relation to the man who is relentless in his pursuit, we could ascertain the cause of his actions to the idea that she is "the one" among some other complexities. It is common for people to mistake obsession with love. In extreme cases, fixations towards the idea that a person is 'the one' left uncontrolled would result in internet stalking, endless phone calls and text messages and eventually heartaches that occasionally lead to tragedies.

3. The Common Denominator

In my efforts to further understand obsession, I've identified four major causes to this character defect: ethnic culture, mainstream media, personal experience and influence from persons of significant position, namely parents and close friends.

Coincidentally, the factors that attribute to the obsessive behaviour are the same factors that define us. Our respective ethnic cultures define social appropriateness while the mainstream media that are heavily imported from the west would dislodge its hold upon the young minds. Under the supervision of parents, these would further be refined to what is acceptable in society.

However, when we exit from the protective zone built by our parents and into the world, our personal experience may further tilt the paradigms instilled over the years. We often find that the world is not how our parents described it to be, it tends to be more dire than it is painted to be or more optimistic than initially thought to be. One version of parental instilled reality that I've heard of is that the cyber cafe is a shoddy place where kids play computer games while getting high on drugs. Overly dramatic.

The failure to discern reality from given reality results in huge inconsistencies. You may find the child of the said parents condemning cyber cafe throughout his entire life and yet still party in the club religiously. Over a period of time, this would become a reality in the child's head, and when he becomes a parent, he would pass this down as logic. We so often take information for granted, ignoring that information does not equal knowledge.

The intricate complexities in between these factors are far beyond the context of this article, but the effects are profound and worse, it compounds. Since obsessive individuals share the common root cause, they too suffer the common consequences - control. Between the idealistic world and the real world lies a gap, and they attempt to reconcile the differences through control.

This is the trait that sticks out like a sore thumb.

4. The Controller

Love is akin to ballroom dancing - two persons sharing one movement. When that mutual consent ceases to exist, so shall the partnership. But more often than not, that is not the case. The beta type B usually approaches love differently. Instead of mutual consent, these guys view love as a game; a game that they win by exacting control.

As mentioned previously, the controller can be confident, charming and sweet. Using words to throw you off your guard and entering your world at ease, the controller may render many helpless. But there is usually a clear pattern to be seen.

The relationship will start on a high, but decent rapidly. The sweet and charming exterior look to be nothing but a facade over a period of time, and when that veil comes off, the stage rear its ugly face as the martyr man.

5. Signs

The downhill struggle begins with minor requests that include changing your hair colour, leaving it longer, putting on more dresses, quitting smoking and clubbing (despite the fact that that's where you met him), etc. Initially when denied, they would give reasons as to why they would make such requests and make convincing statements that would change your mind. Statements like, you look nicer in dresses, your short stubby legs are less visible with longer skirts, smoking will reduce your lifespan hence reducing our time together are used to conceal their desire to mould you into that ideal of you in their head, and away from reality.

Soon, the disproportionate allocation of time agitates him. He complains about the time spent at work or with friends, being more than the time spent with him. His rule of thumb is that if you are able to spend 3 hours with your friend, you should have the same amount of time spent on him.

He becomes more possessive as he regularly scans through your text messages, claiming that if you have nothing to hide, you would not mind him going through it. Social gatherings at the pub will result in hourly phone calls or text messages probing location and time of return. He becomes incredibly suspicious of male colleagues that are nice, claiming that all men who are that nice, just wants to bed you. He is afraid that if you are nice toward others, other might be attracted to you and that might affect the grip he has on you.

The symptoms will intensify as the martyr man fails to understand why you need additional friends when he is present. There are cases where the possessive will impose physical limitation as to how close two person of opposite sexes should be, and that includes friendship hugs or even talking to a male counterpart.

The emotional blackmail (better known as the silent treatment) comes when one fails to comply with the implied standard. When asked for an explanation of how you might have offended the great mighty one, the standard response would be such as "Why do I need to teach you how to love me?" or "If I need to tell you what you did wrong, there is no point of us being together."

After the period of cold war has ended, the discussion begins. Albeit with a twist; you will soon discover that the discussion isn't what it turns out to be as he pins everything that went wrong on you, and every word that comes out from your mouth is turned and twisted into something else in entirety. Instead of reconciliation, it became a fault finding debate. And one will find oneself at the losing end.

6. The Martyr Man

After his manipulation fails, he would begin to lament at your inability to comprehend the effort that he puts in, how insensitive you are to his feelings when you choose to hang out with your friends instead of him and how much you have (failed/displease/insult/hurt) him. But it's okay because he still loves you and has high hopes in you, as long as you change. He wants to work things out for the sake of love. If you try to bail, he would accuse you of not wanting to try anymore, that you are giving up on the relationship, and that all these time together meant nothing to you.

This is the ultimate weapon that the martyr man has within his arsenal. The ability to hurt others, and yet still be able to paint themselves as victim.

It could also be coupled with degrading insults, calling you a dumb bitch, selfish moron, fucking slut, useless whore, etc. Occasionally the verbal insult will be accompanied with the occasional punching of walls, smashing of chairs and "accidentally" hitting you with thrown keys, at your direction. It is purely accidental, which is of course, your fault for making him so angry in the first place.

If by some defect in self worth and self preservation that you survive this far and still remain at his side, I can safely conclude that to some extent, you agree to his method and you probably pull the exact same stunt on him. But here's where it gets dangerous. The arguments will come; both parties will start yelling because nobody is listening. The deployment of manipulation to control the other party will begin. The man will swear at the woman, and the woman deciding to not take his shit will swear back at him. He then threatens hit her, to which she replies:"You don't have the fucking balls to do it".

The twist this time, Betty got it wrong.

7.

In the world of the obsessive, logic twists and turns in epic proportion. The individual inflicted with such disorder is stuck in a mode of repetition, a behaviour that constantly manifests itself with a different woman. In time, the fixation of ideals becomes deeply rooted within an individual, and this obsessive behaviour can be near impossible to fix. Just like the tangled wire you keep hidden behind the television set for the sake of appearance, so will they come at you as such.

I have only one advice: Run.

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(I've only listed out the common behaviour that I've come across in my research. This author acknowledges there are more dysfunctional manifestations in the controlling behavioural.)