By Alexander "Kidd" Teo

Announcement

2012-01-07T12:22:00.001+08:00

I have chose to relocate to wordpress because wordpress is quite awesome.

Some updates

2011-09-16T18:36:00.004+08:00

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." - Steve Jobs' commencement address, Stanford 2006

Between studying, working and finding out where does the road less traveled leads to, there is little time for discussion papers.

There is a plan to write one regarding happiness, hopefully that would come soon.

But as a great man once said: "the only certainty in life is uncertainty".

2011-07-10T17:37:00.009+08:00

News and Views

"Dear Readers,

It is imperative for me to explain this: I am a mere observer, with no interest in affiliating myself with or against the government. The reason behind this writing is due to the past week's interesting commentaries on the formal and informal channel, thus I have done an analysis and presented it for your reading pleasure.

The following would have a pro-Bersih stance due to balance out the heavily tilted mainstream media. But to clarify, I will reiterate my previous statement, I am only interested in championing human rights issue and in no way supportive of either for or against governmental institute."

“Behind the BERSIH 2.0 movement, there is a political ulterior motive”

Various media and public servants question the motive of the movement, labelling it as an attempt to incite riot, damage the country’s economy and credibility. Led by opposition leaders (never mind that Bersih is not a political party), politicians claimed that the rally is a propaganda tool used by the opposition to create a political instability in Malaysia, further condemning Bersih as an illegal organization.

To recap, let us review BERSIH’s demand: clean electoral roll, reform postal ballot, use of indelible ink, minimum 21 days campaign period, free and fair access to media, strengthen public institutions, stop corruption, stop dirty politics.

As hard as I try to find a problem with BERSIH’s demand, I could not find any. While mainstream media portray an outlook of propaganda led by opposition party, I find myself questioning: “Should we discredit better governance just because it is led by the opposing party?” as an absolutist myself, I find it hard to discredit Bersih’s demand.

“Weapons, explosive found in City Centre”

On July 5, it was reported that three masked man threw out caches containing weapons and Molotov cocktails along with BERSIH shirts out from a Proton Waja. More caches were found in other parts of city centre.

On July 9, there are no reports of any buildings burnt or people slashed. However, there are reports of police brutality and tear gasses discharged upon peaceful protest and into Hospital Tung Shin hospital, despite official claim.

According to reports on The Star, the Patriots and Bersih supporters almost clashed on their way to stadium as both parties came into close contact on Jalan Pudu. In this scenario, tear gas and water cannon are used to defuse potential clash – this is probably the only warranted usage of both arsenal in an otherwise unwarranted attack on civilians.

“Rally may lead to RM1.2 billion losses – Dato Ng Yen Yen”

At 8pm last night, TV3 had interviewed local eateries and various business persons who told the channel that this rally inflicted monetary damage to their daily business. Such losses are even larger than normal as Saturday usually nets a huge income for the food and beverages (F&B) businesses.

Personally, I can understand why the parties are aggrieved with the protestors and wanted them to demonstrate in the woods (according to one of interviewee). However, businesses are not measured by only profits, but also taking account of potential losses avoided, hence the saying ‘a penny saved is a penny earned’.

Our tax money paid to the government should be returned in some form of social welfare in the form of better infrastructure, medical benefits, etc. But when our money is spent developing facebook pages that cost RM1.8 million, a day’s loss for reform rally should be compared against the future of reduction in governmental scandals and added social welfare.

“Rally had caused traffic congestion”

Again, at the 8pm news update last night on TV3, they had interviewed people on the road who are stuck in traffic. Obviously they are unhappy about the situation (although most of them are all smiles when they were approached by reporters).

But could this disaster be averted?

After an intervention by the constitutional monarch, Najib claims that Bersih rally may be held in a stadium, but Inspector General of Police Tan Sri Ismail Omar who met Bersih 2.0 chairman said: “Yes, the Prime Minister has allowed them to use a stadium, but he did not mention which one.”

(Sort of like how a woman tell a man:"Yes, my mom said we can have sex, but she never said which hole you can have access. Based on these grounds, your application for entry is denied")

This proves to be the cataclysmic as thousands of people pour into central KL from different streets despite the erected road blocks.

What could’ve been done to prevent this?

If Najib was sincere, he could’ve easily provided a venue within the city and instructed the Bersih to have its rally participants walk down a certain roads toward the venue instead of closing down the entire city. In fact, if the government find it hard to hatch out a plan, perhaps Najib could have consulted a marathon organising committee on the logistic issue.

“Protestors disperse at 4pm after opposition leaders were apprehended”

This statement is also extracted from TV3 last night. Perhaps TV3 research team should be bothered to go through all materials considered that they are paid to do so. In case they weren’t aware, the rally was suppose from 2pm – 4pm.

Below are some Individual’s statements made prior to the rally:

“I am neither for nor against politics”

I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware that human rights issue are political issue.

“Do you know if Bersih campaign is effective? Laws need to be passed in Parliament, not Petaling Street”

While it is true that laws need to be passed in the parliament to be effective, the objective of street demonstration was never with the intention to pass any laws or create immediate electoral reforms, as in the case of Bersih.

Just like how cars are not designed to fly, street demonstration is a mere catalyst to trigger a means to an end, not a means by itself. The purpose of street demonstration is to bring awareness of the current issue and injustice within society, to express an unwillingness to tolerate any injustice any longer and to bring the attention of the world on this very small piece of haven we Malaysians call home.

“While I support the cause of the rally, I don’t support how it is taken into the streets. Think about the people who would get hurt, and the people you would hurt if a riot take place”

Reward is not without its risk. Heading into the roads of KL, protestors should understand what they are potentially walking into. It is this knowledge of risk, along with the action of taking them, makes Malaysian everywhere in the world proud call ourselves Malaysian.

Letter from K:

2011-06-13T00:19:00.010+08:00

The night before D-Day
"This is the final night before the departure to Normandy-before D-Day. Our training that had lasted for six months is suppose to prepare us for the coming war, but truth be told, I don’t feel combat ready. Don’t reckon I ever will.

It was strategy briefing a while ago and there was an awkward silence before the Sarge spoke. Everyone had known their position in the transport and their company months ago, and since there isn’t much of a strategy in direct assault anyways- I couldn’t be bothered; rather have a smoke.

The military demands that we bunk in early for the invasion, but none of us could get any shut eye. God damn kid below is reciting passages from his bible all night long, must’ve peed his bed while he’s at it. He’s too, what’s the word, oh yeah, too much of a chicken shit- goes trigger happy when he’s shit scared. Don’t know how he got recruited, but I thank the Lord that he’s not in my company. Wouldn’t want to drop dead before I even shoot some of those bastards now eh?

My pin is I945020267 and my name is…Nova. Well that isn’t really my name, just what I’m called in company Delta since nobody have names in my company anymore ever since big Mike vetoed that. I miss you, G. The assault will begin at 0630, and I’m on the second wave heading into sector Juno…that way if I don’t make it, you’d know how to locate me through the officers. But don’t worry; I’ll hide behind big Mike when everything goes FUBAR. He’s so big, it should take a lot to get to me. Heh.

I’ll be back G, and we’ll be together like before. I promise.

Love,
K"

2011-05-14T00:51:00.008+08:00

Dinning with the Devils

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts...” –William Shakespeare

It is a dark setting in front of two dozen men and women, or less. The lights lit up at centre stage where a round table and four chairs sit. The actor and actress hurry into the scene. The man in front of the woman is holding a plate of rice, in the late fifties perhaps, has a mean demeanour. The woman at the back tails along, looking about the same range of age.

“Shut the f*ck up!”

“No, I...”

“Just admit it, you f*cked up!”

“Wait, but-“

“Just admit you f*cked up b*tch! The facts are there, just f*cking admit it.”

“...”

The audience, numb struck by the fiery opening scene, stood still in their seats, said nothing. All eyes are fixated upon the scene on the stage, anticipating another blow up, awaits for clue of the explosive entrance; yet there was only silence. Another actor enters the scene, with him is presumably the order of the lady. He lays it down in front of her.

The man and woman continue to dine, albeit the man’s body language suggests that he is still unhappy with whatever that happened. The sound of his spoon and fork clunking against each other angrily, as though expressing his displeasure, his stare from the corner of his eye suggest contempt against his wife- who kept her head down the entire time, dejected by the outburst. A hint of tears erupting from the corner of her eye, but it is too far and too faint for the audience to see.

The awkward silence ensued. The audience, who did not know how to react, chose to ignore the outburst, took down mental notes to gossip upon leaving.

As the drape falls upon the stage, the lights lit up, everyone stood and walked away. The scene comes alive in the bewildered audience head as one turn to another, whispering soft enough for one or two words to slip out; judgement is inevitable.

The Power of Incentive:

2011-05-05T01:15:00.006+08:00

The Serengeti Equilibrium

In Malaysia, an ATM machine will charge RM 1 from a non bank cardholder should they withdraw; granted that RM1 is a relatively cheap price to pay, we find ourselves scouting for our respective bank’s ATM machine. From a time where we could withdraw from any ATM machine for free, this tiny amount of money seems to have changed behaviour. If everyone, in response to this policy, chooses to do business with the bank which has the most amount of ATM machine in a particular area, the said bank would inevitably gain an upper hand. Convenience became the advantage of a company because of RM 1.

This is the power of incentives. Through its subtle policy changes, it could manipulate behaviour into conformity. Incentives could be the wages that we earn, the tax deductions that we get from the federal government, the cheaper petrol price we pay to fuel our tanks, etc. Incentives could also exist indirectly in the culture of our upbringing, the dictation of what is accepted and what is not, the subtle influence of governmental policies and so on. Incentives, therefore, is the single most powerful driving force that affects our every day decisions.

At a macro scale, the government determines the path of a nation, and then designs a policy package that contains incentives that motivates its people towards goal congruence. What happens if it is not well thought out?

1. The Serengeti Wild

“The Serengeti Wildlife Reserves is located at north east of Tanzania, Africa. Spanning over 30,000 , it is the home to approximately 70 larger mammal and some 500 avifauna species. The reason for this high diversity in terms of species is a function of diverse habitats ranging from riverine forests, swamps, kopjes, grassland and woodland. Around October, nearly two million herbivores migrate from the northern hill toward the southern plains, crossing the Mara River in pursuit of the rains. In April, they then return to the north through the west, once again crossing the Mara River. This phenomenon is known as the circular migration, happens to be the largest mammal migration in the world. Around 250,000 wildebeest (aka Gnu) die during the journey from Tanzania to Maasai Mara Reserve in lower Kenya, a total of 800 kilometres. Death is usually from thirst, hunger, exhaustion or predation.” –Wikipedia

11 years ago, a family living in a low cost flat in suburban Malaysia had subscribed for the local satellite television network, Astro. Prior to the subscription, there were only four channels that were available on the Malaysia national television network; with most of it airing local drama production. It was dull not only for the children, but for the parents as well.

The family’s eldest son, who was only 12 at that period of time, was excited at the prospect of a wide selection of television programmes...which of course is a lie, because at 12, all he cared about was the channel that has cartoons on it. But as the 12 year old channel-surfed, he became fixated at the programme which showcases wildlife documentary-the National Geographic Channel.

That kid was me.

On the flickering television screen, a pack of lions coordinate and camouflage among the tall grass of the savannah. The ambush is set in the path where a herd of wildebeest are travelling across the Serengeti plains towards the Mara River. The herd of wildebeest passes by, and the lions wait for an opportunity to strike.

Here is the matchup: A lion is capable of running up to 57kmph while a wildebeest is capable of running up to 64kmph. Both animals weigh approximately 200kg. The primary defensive tactic for the wildebeest is herding, where the young animals are protected by the older larger ones while the herd runs as a group. A gnu also has considerable strength; a blow from its hind legs towards a lion’s jaw could effectively break it, resulting in starvation if it doesn’t heals properly. Therefore, the tactic that the big cats adopt is simple-single out the weakest link among the herd, separate them and attack.

Back to the television screen, a lion emerge at the back of the running herd; the wildebeests notice the presence of the lion and picks up speed. From the corner of the television, three lions flank the running herd; they panicked and tilted their running trajectory toward the other direction. The diagonal run against the lion’s straight line meant that the top speed advantage the herd held is reduced. At the back of the herd, a single wildebeest could not keep up and became dinner, while the remaining escaped unscratched.

The hunt was over in the span of minutes.

At that age, I could not fathom why the herd not turn back and save the poor beast that was killed and feasted upon. It only dawned on me later in life the work of Charles Darwin, the Origin of Species which states that out in the wild, it is the survival of the fittest. The herd was not only protecting its young while it travel, it was also competing against each other to run the fastest. Hence, the fastest wildebeest would survive and pass down its gene to the next generation, and a better gene pool meant fitter and stronger wildebeests through natural selection.

From the lion’s perspective, the pride of lions only has to be as fast as the slowest of the targeted group, and whichever pride of lions that could not keep up, would cease to exist. This creates a rather interesting symbiotic relationship between predator and prey, where through predation; both species actually improves over the long term.

2. Got Game?

Instead of a huge population of animals to be our sample, let us simplify into three wildebeest and a single lion; let us also remove the remote factors such as terrain, overall health of both predator and prey and lastly, eliminate the fact that the lions ambushed the gnus in the first place. Thus, we would be left with only a chase.

For identification of three wildebeest, they shall be known as Tom, Dick and Harry. Tom is a hardworking wildebeest, working hard on his speed day in day out, in hope to stay ahead of the pack and lead it one day while Dick on the other hand, trains hard but spends a little too much time with the ladies. Harry; well let’s just say he’s hopeless. In an event of predation, Harry will always be dinner and this prompts a realization that if Harry doesn’t work hard enough, he would be always tail the end of the pack, and the least he could do, is to be as fast as Dick to even out his chances.

This creates a domino effect because when competition catches up; most of us would not sit idle and watch them take over us. Think back to our schooling days and the kiasu attitudes of some; that was preparations for exams. This, is a matter of life or death. Hence, Dick will start training harder because Harry is as fast as he is, prompting Tom to train harder to keep the lead against Dick and Harry. On the flip side of the coin, the lion have to run faster to catch up with the slowest. Overall, both predator and prey inevitably improves as stated before.

Now the game changes. Through divine intervention, all wildebeest are to run as fast as the slowest of the pack. This rule will result in the deterioration of both predator and prey. Harry would not work hard, because the incentive to was removed. In fact, nobody should work hard, since the odds of surviving an attack is always 1/3; everybody should really just chomp grass and get fat. It would be the survival of the luckiest.

Above are two sides of extremes to illustrate the power of incentive, where in the first example there is an incentive to improve, and the latter without. What if, instead of eliminating the incentive, we simply reduce it?

3. Race of the Handicapped

In the previous examples, both extremes resulted in either the increased competitiveness which improve both species, or made both species regress. However, when we reduce the incentive, another different result appears.

Imagine now, instead of survival of the fittest, we give the slowest animal, Harry, an advantage. This advantage could be an increase of strength and speed, a head start against Tom and Dick during a chase, or even a superior genetic blueprint to start with; the nature of the advantage would be irrelevant but the result of an advantage would be drastically different.

However, assuming that both Tom and Dick are both strongly interested in surviving; this disadvantage towards the other two wildebeests would prompt them to work even harder than before, to sustain the advantage over Harry. The advantage therefore, is a counterproductive advantage.

To illustrate, the advantage given to Harry is a second and a half head start during a chase. Knowing that the time to make up for is 1.5 seconds, both wildebeests will have to work even harder to eliminate the head start advantage. The result would give Tom and Dick unequal characteristic in terms of speed and strength. On the possibility of not having overcome the advantage given, both wildebeests would be eliminated, leaving the inferior one to carry the mantle for the entire species.

Protectionism, might be considerate and thoughtful in the short term, may be disastrous in the long term.

4. Harry

In its website, it proudly states that it had survived over 25 Sterling Years. While it is true that Proton had dominated the market share of Malaysia for over 25 years, it had not been competitive over the international arena, which is dominated by firms like Toyota, VW, BMW, Honda, etc.

Over the years, only the Proton Waja and Persona had been produced in-house, with the Waja’s quality control begging questions. The Persona on the other hand, is but a reworked model of Proton Gen-2, which wasn’t much to look at, uninteresting and a bore.

Recently, Proton launched their latest Waja Replacement Model, Proton Inspira, with the tagline “Smart guys get it”. Apparently, I’m not smart enough because I don’t get it. Nevertheless, it is unmistakably the derivation of Evo X, Mitsubishi Lancer that was first launched in 07. After 25 sterling years, this is, without the shadow of a doubt, the best model that Proton had come up with...and it wasn’t even made by them.

To sum up, 25 years in business and Proton has not been anywhere near creative or ingenious in the car business. The business plan that they have, is mere purchase of license to produce other car manufacturers’ models. Instead of developing its core competencies in the automotive industry, Proton has relied on the government’s willingness to aid them in the market.

But despite its weakness and inferior quality compared to other carmakers, Proton had dominated the local market due to the prices of other car manufacturers’ products. It is considerably cheaper compared to other imported cars due to the import tax that was imposed before 2008, and the excise duty imposed post 08. According to regulations laid down in ASEAN Free Trade Area (AFTA), there should be no tax imposed on goods produced in South East Asia (SEA) countries. The non-compliance resulted in probable penalties that will be borne by the Malaysian Government, which effectively are its tax payers, namely, you and me.

Within these 25 years, Proton’s business strategies has remained unchanged and if the tax and duties imposed on foreign goods reduces, it would interesting to note whether Proton could sustain its market share. In many ways, Proton is the national baby with the government its babysitter, protecting it from the elements of the competitive wild.

5. The Serengeti Equilibrium

The Serengeti Equilibrium provides the understanding that any advantage that isn’t part of an entity’s core competencies or critical success factors is one that is unsustainable, unsuitable for competitive development and survival. Therefore, the externally generated artificial advantage should be used cautiously and perhaps sparingly.

As in the case of Proton, perhaps at the start, it had good intentions; but it doomed the long term prospects of the company, turning it into an international embarrassment when its products were treated as a joke on Top Gear UK.

But Proton is far from a national embarrassment. Besides, it isn’t the only entity that is being actively protected now is it?

Thoughts on:

2011-05-04T00:18:00.008+08:00

The Death of Bin Laden

When the World Trade Centre was struck in the United States back in the year 2001, I was only 13; waking up from my slumber, accidentally catching CNN replays the footage over and over again. I was in shock and disbelief, oblivious from all the other struggles that were happening around the world. At that point of time, I thought the world was well...at peace.

Refreshing my tweets over and over again in hope of something interesting would come up for me to pass time in lecture, little did I expect the news of Osama’s death would pop up. The manhunt has finally ended. As I scanned through the short report on the assault and his subsequent death, more and more tweets came in, reporting US citizens chanting “U.S.A, U.S.A” in front of the white house, celebration taking place on the streets, American flags raised, and people rejoiced, celebrating the victory against the man who caused much grieve over the past decade.

J. Gary Wise, a writer at ESPN, had his say on his blog about the death of Osama bin Laden and it was thought provoking. There is a hint of disdain on his views of the celebrating Americans, citing that his fellow Americans are celebrating more death as we speak; at hindsight, I had to agree with him, but after dwelling on the issue, I now draw different conclusions.

"And yet we know that the worst images are those that were unseen to the world. The empty seat at the dinner table. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of their child's embrace. Nearly 3,000 citizens taken from us, leaving a gaping hole in our hearts.” –Barrack Obama

From different walks of life, the victims that had fallen into the path of the unstoppable destruction were only the beginning of the tragic tale. As the rest of their families are left behind: partners who had lost their significant others, children who lost their parent and grandparents who had to see their children go before them; I have no words to describe the pain of their lost. Those were times of sorrow, and at the same time, anger at the ones who were responsible.

Since then, the manhunt had begun, and it took ten years to have finally caught up with Bin Laden. From the perspective of the ones affected by the attack, it is unreasonable to not expect some flag waving and chanting. For the victims, this is a moment of victory, a moment of justice toward the man who had caused the death of many and the pain of many more. And even I, who am an unaffected party, smiled to myself and thought, “Finally!”

But celebrating a justice served is not equivalent to celebrating the death of a man. I had hoped he is brought to justice in front of international court instead of taking a bullet to the brain. And I seriously doubt Americans would be mellow if he was caught instead of being killed in a fire fight. After all, death is a cheap way to go out after committing such atrocities.

Since the events of 9/11, Al Qaeda’s influence had grown and its leader had misled many others into believing the Koran calls for extermination of infidels. Osama Bin Laden, had successfully cement a false ideology into the heads of these extremists; thus, in the grand scheme of things, the significance of Bin Laden’s death might have little deterrence over those who are going to carry out his legacy.

Furthermore, had there been succession planning within the ranks of Al-Qaeda, a new leader would now head the terror group, which I’m sure fuelled with emotions of unjust and anger upon the death of their leader. Personally, I am not buoyed to believe that this is the end of the struggle against terrorism, but rather a closure for those affected.

(While there are sources that suggest that the mobility and activity of Al-Qaeda would be severely impacted as Bin Laden was the major fund provider, the truth of that remains to be seen.)

The Peril of Love : Part IV

2011-03-31T22:45:00.007+08:00

The Fall

Most of our days are habitual, we perform the same routine that is required of us and our day ends as soon as it begins. It would not be unfair to state that most days of our lives are unremarkable. Due to the fact that I’m living in the country that borderline the equator, most of my days are unremarkably hot.

Late 2010, I woke up quarter past morning, stumbled and fumbled my way out to brunch. As I walked under the scorching hot sun, I realised I left my wallet in the drawer. Swearing under my breath, I turned back to retrieve it, not realising what I almost missed had I not forgotten my wallet on that fateful day.

Even as I was climbing the steep hill from my allocated parking spot, I thought to myself: “This is what it feels like to be a rotisserie chicken.” As I slouched my way up the hill and subsequently the stairs, I entertained the thought of fasting, chuckled a little and braced myself for glorious heat of the Malaysian weather.

Next, the unexpected happened.

If the sounds I heard while in the descending elevator weren’t preceded by a loud terrifying scream, I would’ve thought that a vase had fallen from six levels above. As the elevators door opened, I walked out and there was silence, and nothing else. I noticed fragment of roof tiles on the ground as I inched closer to the source of the noise, and still there was only the sound of silence. The beat of my heart increased accompanied by adrenaline kicking in; something was amiss. I shifted my focus a little further up, and lo and behold, before me, was a body.

On that unremarkable hot day, I was first on the scene of a suicide.

1. Happily Ever After

“There are a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does one life really means? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything: the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying, your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness” –Beverly Clark, Shall We Dance.

The white wedding cake that sits on the side of the stage has three stories. Sitting right at the very top, are two swans; one black and another white, separated by a number of miniature ancient Roman columns. They symbolise the union of a man and a woman. Adjacent to the cake stood a man in white with a cross around his neck, staring down the aisle smiling as the music started to play, signalling the beginning of a holy matrimony.

The band playing in the wedding consists of four members. One of them, Matthew has left the band weeks ago in search of a career in law, due to his discontentment with the progression of the band’s music career. The rest of the members, though distraught at the loss of their bassist, decides to persevere and remain persistent towards their dream, simply because there is nowhere in this world they’d rather be than in the studios making music. At the opposite side of the stage from the cake, they played Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel as per the request from the organiser.

The groom, a young man 27 years of age, waits impatiently for the bridesmaid to cross one end of the aisle to another. After what seems like an eternity, he takes a deep breath to calm his nerves in anticipation of the following proceedings that are about to take place. His unrest escalates as his bride’s march down the aisle is delayed. Doubts began to stir in his head.

“What if she’s gotten cold feet and left? How embarrassing would that be for me in front of all my friends and family! Is there another guy? Was it because I was always at work and neglected her over the past month? Or maybe it is because of my poor temperament? Or perhaps...”

As all these thoughts crossed his head, she enters the scene.

As the centre of attention shifts toward the bride, friends and relatives alike rejoice in unison upon the glory of true love that existed under the little chapel at the countryside. The groom now breathes easy in the present of his beloved walking down the aisle, charmed by her presence in the room filled with over a hundred people, and all doubts were immediately dispelled as he brace himself for the final frontier of a relationship- the sacred covenant since the dawn of civilisation. Happy ending is but a stone throw away.

Only to find that happy endings are tales left unfinished.

2. Unfinished Business

“...and to please her I’ll marry a man whom I oblige myself to love. He and I will end up finding a way of dreaming of a future together: a house in the country, children, and our children’s future. We’ll make love often in the first year, less in the second, and after the third year, people perhaps think about sex only once a fortnight and transform that thought into action only once a month. Even worse, we’ll barely talk. I’ll force myself to accept the situation, and I’ll wonder what’s wrong with me, because he no longer takes any interest in me, ignores me, and does nothing but talk about his friends, as if they were his real world.

When the marriage is just about to fall apart, I’ll get pregnant. We’ll have a child, feel closer to each other for a while, and then the situation will go back to what it was before.

I’ll begin to put on weight like the aunt that nurse was talking about yesterday – or was it days ago, I don’t really know. And I’ll start to go on diets, systematically defeated each day, each week, by the weight that keeps creeping up regardless of the controls I put on it. At that point, I’ll take those magic pills that stop you feeling depressed, and then I’ll have a few more children, conceived during nights of love that pass all too quickly.” –Veronika, Veronika decides to die.

The beginning of a marriage is filled with moments of thoughtfulness, compassion and boundless of happiness; we’re young, free and in love, filled with bright potentials and our prestigious degrees and doctorates, along with endless enthusiasm for whatever challenges that may come, the future it seems, could not arrive any sooner.

At his prime, Adam was the leader of his college basketball team and the debate team. Outspoken and intelligent, Adam was predicted to have a successful career in the business sector. His professor thought he should start his path in the world of auditing, so as to build a solid foundation and insight. Adam didn’t hesitate for a moment to sign up with one of the largest accounting firms. As he gazed upon his reflection in front of the posh, silver reflective surface of the elevator in his office building, he thought to himself that this is the beginning of the end - the end of his stepping stone.

Eve’s first love had always been the field of technology, more specifically, the world of artificial intelligence. From a young age where other girls were interested in Barbie dolls, Eve was obsessed with robots and dreams of a day where she would design her very own C-3PO to share with the world. A head hunter soon presents her with the opportunity to do so after she graduated with the highest honours in the relevant field.

Yet as the future approaches, it diverged from what was expected. The mansion with expensive supercars on the porch had not become a reality. Instead it was the same apartment that was bought before the wedding along with that overpriced coupe that did not seem too practical now with the expected child, who was conceived during a night where passion overrides rationale for a mere ten seconds of pleasure, accompanied by the silent derailment of a well thought out plan.

The car loan and house mortgage was not a problem with two pay checks, but with the unexpected pregnancy along with the bad economy, the man decided to stay in a job that he thought he’d just spend a couple of years in. The wife on the other hand, was having mixed feelings as she pondered upon the pregnancy test result. Her father certainly did not pay for her to undergo the Masters programme to be a housewife, at least not so soon.

The first year was difficult, having to juggle family with career. The couple sold the coupe in favour of a second hand four door saloon. When the child grew beyond the age of infancy, the wife was persuaded to stay home as the husband rakes more money from a managerial position. Eve puts her aspirations on hold for the sake of her family, and silently hands in her resignation letter. She often dreams of returning to the field when her child has outgrown his need for her, but that thought faded into the back of her head and disappeared overtime.

In the late December of the following years, Adam returned home in the closing hours of the day. He saw the back of his wife staring at the television, nonchalantly greeting and telling him there are leftovers in the kitchen. He took off his shoes and walked into the apartment, noticing the dust that had been accumulating at the corners, that the laundry that was left at the side of the washing machine and the unwashed dishes that was left for days. It infuriated Adam. He told his wife that if she had time for television, she had time to do the dishes.

All hell broke loose.

It was not for the first time nor will it be the last. Over the years, there were fights over the littlest of things and she felt the man she once knew, was long gone. The children were forced to witness the verbal argument which sometimes turned violent, and then the second day will ensue like nothing has happened. It was an endless cycle that persisted throughout the years, until the day before Christmas where she found a hidden package that contained a diamond necklace, only to receive a gift in form of a CD titled: Collection of the Greatest Classical Music.

The moment where she unwrapped the gift in the presence of her family, was when it all made sense. His spontaneous tenderness and attention were all but sincere. All the agony that befell was deafening and yet from her calm exterior, there was no telling of her anguish. She had lost all willpower to continue fighting, and hope in all that is good.

At an unremarkable hot afternoon, she stood at the balcony and looked six floors below. Her dreams and aspirations were nonexistent. Her spirit was crushed. She thought of all those times where she felt special, and wondered when it all turned into lies. She remembered the first date where she was so certain that he was a nice guy that would never hurt her. But as she steps out from the balcony and plunged six floors down, all of that does not matter anymore.

3. The Peril of Love

This is where all of the previous stories come together, and the peril of love is finally resolved. It first started over the relationship with the nice guy who slowly and gradually turned into the martyr man. Upon leaving the relationship, one stumbles across a myriad amount of jerks until time and societal pressures become too much to bear, resulting in the contentment of returning to square one; to the arms of another nice guy. Henceforth, the happiness of the marriage breaks down and eventually disintegrates, leaving behind the victim in the form of a child.

We often find the parties who are involved in a failed relationship quoting: “All men/woman are only after one thing, sex/money”, “I don’t wanna be in love anymore”, “Love is bullshit”, etc. We then witness the drowning of their failed relationship in whiskey and tears before bed. Slowly but surely, we witness their ascension from deep depression only to repeat the same mistakes again, with the exception of a very few who manages to break out from the cycle.

But consider the effect when that cycle repeats over and over, and if the cycle does not repeat, but digs deeper? I’ve witness individuals who were betrayed and turned into possessive and distrustful partners in the subsequent relationship. Some turn into workaholics, preferring to submerge into a pile of work instead of facing the catastrophic end, while others end up bed-hopping from one bed to another, only to regret at the break of dawn.

However, if we conclude that these are the perils of love, we would be overlooking the big picture. Because the peril of love lies not in what we become after a failed relationship-that is merely the manifestation. But rather, the peril of love lies in the hopelessness and despair, desolated state we find ourselves in.

It is in the innocence and faith that we once had, but lost.

End

The Peril of Love : Part III

2011-01-05T01:38:00.005+08:00

The Butterfly Effect

“In the quiet suburban of East London, there is a boy queuing for an afternoon cut. The clock strikes four as the boy sat on the lumpy couch, having waited thirty minutes for his turn. Staring vacantly at the magazine in front, he ponders upon his decision to get a Mohawk cut; his new haircut would make him look distinct compared to the conservative neighbourhood kids of Leytonstone. Not to mention the fact that he could finally fit in with the cool gang at school and perhaps he would garner the attention of that uber cool rocker chick Lydia, who can play wicked riffs on her electric guitar.

Weighing the positive outcomes of his prospective haircut, the boy relaxes and breaks into a smile. Dreaming upon the chance of speaking with the illustrious Lydia, the boy is now adamant that this is the way to go, his way into her heart. In his mind’s eye he can see her now- the messy cut, badass attitude with a pinch of Goth thrown in, the electric guitar strapped around her shoulder, playing to heavy metal, nu metal, and metals that none have heard before! How is a boy who lives in the east part of London, who combs his hair from left to right everyday in the morning, who plays only classical pieces on the piano and listens strictly to N’SYNC and Backstreet Boys, ever going to be cool enough to be her boyfriend?

It is hardly the boy’s fault that he turned out this way; his parents are conservative Christians and a tad bit on the extreme side. Rock and Roll music are branded as satanic music, with Led Zeppelin leading the charge as the ambassador of Lucifer. He felt even worse when he realised how much his childhood mirrors that of the character Flanders from the Simpsons TV series. No, he thought to himself, “I would not be confined to the expectations and conform like a mindless robot, I would not be the spitting image of those loony cartoons from across the Atlantic...”

“Next!” says the barber, like the way people in clinics do.

“...ocean.”

Disrupted from his trail of thoughts, he walked across the room toward the chair in a trance, nervous about the event that is about to happen. As he stared into the mirror in front of him, the boy started to imagine how he would look like, twenty minutes from now. Nervous at the uncertainty of the impact of his haircut, his palms began to sweat, his heart picks up speed.

“So, what would it be Johnny?”

“M-m-Mohawk, sir,” he sheepishly muttered.

He heard a loud click, signifying the wake of the shaver. As the buzzing of the shaver inches closer toward the back of Johnny’s head, his body tensed. A drop of sweat fell to his cheek as he holds his breathe, embracing the moment. He closed his eye, trying to focus on the happy thoughts that he had earlier as his nerves sets in, only to remember where he left off, his parents.

The barber shaves off a small portion of hair from the back, but from Johnny’s point of view, everything slowed down to nanoseconds. His mind races from the anger that he would rouse in his house, to how his parents would write him off as a disappointment. In the end, parental opinion mattered too much to him as he weighed between the merits and his parent’s wrath, and subsequently decided on a heartbeat, that this haircut wouldn’t be worth it.

The barber moves the shaver upwards.

The boy panicked; he jerked forward and yelled “WAIT!” as everyone in the saloon stood wondering what had set off the boy to such a manner. The barber, bewildered looked over to his boss at the cashier and exchanged a shrug. The boy stood in his chair, shocked by his initial outburst, looks up and clears his throat.
“M-maybe a faux hawk would be m-m-more...appropriate.”

The inconspicuous Saturday afternoon turned out to be more dramatic than it needed to be; after all, it was only a damn haircut. Judgement day came when Johnny walked past the gates of Chingford Foundation School. To his dismay, his haircut yielded no attention from the said cool kids, and too much like a wimpy version of the true Mohawk, he got dissed for trying. His parents however, thought it to be a little too badass for the family’s liking, and that it has to be a sign of a rebellion, and thus cancelled the plans for his sixteenth birthday party as a punishment. Only his friend, David at the football academy thought his haircut was cool.

At the World Cup of 2002, David Beckham became the tipping point of the faux hawk cut.

“A butterfly flutters its wing in New Delhi and half way around the world, a tornado hits Taiwan. “

The butterfly effect describes how a single, tiny and inconspicuous variation may have a large impact on a complex system. Because every action or inaction inevitably results in a reaction, identifying the butterfly in a particular event remains to be confusing, difficult and subjective. Where the mere observation of the particles would result in an indirect influence of the behaviour of quantum atomics in quantum physics, life is not all that different.

Let us explore.

1. The Butterfly of Relationships

“Imagine a path descending into a lush forest. Now pick the tallest tree down this path without for once looking back or retrace the path travelled. Voila, the journey to find the fabled soul mates. “

It is no surprise that the quest for the mother or father of our children begins as such; we walk through life trying to find the illustrious perfect one to be with, we do not (usually) relapsed to the previous doomed relationship and everyone certainly had only been in a serious relationship for a number of times before settling down. For the majority, this journey begins at high school.

A fair amount of parents would be wary of the development of puppy love at the age of adolescent. This wariness stems from fear of poor performance if their children were to be too attached to their crush. It is a valid fear, and since the notion is that children do not know better than parents, thus in dealing with this situation that would threaten the bright future of their child, parents elect to discourage and even stop this kind of socialisation.

The method deployed to stop the development of puppy love varies. Some parents quarantine their children under their roof until the interest subsides while others prefer the subtle approach: they tell their children that there are better and bigger fishes out there, like how there are taller trees as the venture into the forest gets further.

Is it a valid theory?

2. The Ocean Paradox

Assume a population of 200 split evenly between males and females. In this small population, the respective attractive male and female of the species will inevitably be drawing more attention compared to others who are less attractive, leading to a higher amount of relationships for these individuals.

Let us assume that these attractive sample groups who had a head start are only separated into two categories: problematic attractive (PA) and non-problematic attractive (NPA) individuals; add in another assumption that only one party belongs to the NPA category, the girls, which leave the guys with two possibilities, PA and NPA.

In the small population of 200, the number of attractive males that would garner the attention of an attractive female would be limited; hence when a female makes a choice, she either gets lucky by picking a NPA which would signal the end of the perils of a love relationship journey and live happily ever after, or she might ended up with an PA. However, at this stage where the population is low, substitutes could be hard to find; a female may decide to stick with the current boyfriend for variety of reasons, but the logic reasoning would be “better a rich jerk than a poor one” if the said female does not subscribe to “better lonely than to be with jerks”.

Then, we increase the population of 200 to 600, with both gender split equally. The influx of new individuals to the population will result in several changes: firstly, females with PA would leave in search of NPA individuals. Secondly, these PA that got dumped by the said females would have no problem in finding new love as females from the rising numbers of female introduced into the groups. Given that certain group are mutually exclusive, bad reputation may not travel as fast until it is too late.

The journey of the female moves on as their attempt in finding a NPA male continues. Coupled with their experience from PA male, their chances of searching a better male partner increases. Assuming all the females who came out from these relationships got smarter and managed to discern the problematic from the norm, then the remaining 200 woman will have 100 lesser NPA to pick from in the population.

Again, the population increases to a total of 1000 and the number of males and females are split to 500 evenly. Since in the previous population, a hundred males and females are already in a relationship, the effective size is actually at 800.

The pattern repeats as the female with a PA male would again be able to have access to better substitutes and would leave these PA male in search of a better relationship, and these PA who got left that didn’t manage to capitalize on their experience of two failed relationship, will again be chosen to be someone’s baby because of sheer attractiveness. Assuming that the remaining 200 woman from the previous group has now left all the PA males and promptly gotten themselves into a relationship with NPA males, the effective size of NPA male is thus reduced by another 200.

It would seem that as the population size grow bigger, the actual number of non-problematic attractive male would decrease, thus refuting the notion that the bigger the ocean, the better the catch.

So what does it mean?

3. The Application

Economical models are all plagued with borderline extreme assumption which does not represent reality. As with the model above, the assumptions developed are all to lock in a number of variables that make the economic point of view possible.

In the above, we assumed that all women are non-problematic attractive individuals who are all interested in getting into a relationship and eventually got into one. We also assumed that men are the sole cause of their relationship demise and would never fail to find new love because of sheer attractiveness. Thirdly, we also assumed that all women who came out from a poor relationship would profit from the experience and subsequently select a better suitor.

None of all the assumptions are close to reality.

In the application to reality, we often find that our networking range is somewhat proportionate to how outgoing we are, which means a high school social butterfly might have 500 friends on Facebook while an average student would only have access to 200 different profile pages.

Assuming that the average person has a network that consists of 800 individuals, out of these 800 individuals, how many of those are already in a relationship, engaged and married? Furthermore, how many from the total amount consists of grandparents, parents, aunties, uncles, brothers, sisters, “bros”, “BFFs”, facebook stalkers, real life stalkers, gym instructors, creepy guy I met at the gym, work colleagues, bosses, seniors who are too old, juniors who are too young, ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends, ex’s cute brother, ex’s sexy sister, ex’s hot cousin, flings that never get a call back, dates that come on too strong, date’s group of friends, snobby rich kid, snobby smart kid, socially inapt losers, handsome but gay guy, happily married guy, unhappily married guy, and last but not least, cousins.

While it is true that there are 6.7 million of us inhabiting this beautiful planet, but every one of us only know a fraction of these million people. Out of these fractions and rounding error for some, the amount of potential suitors does not look as promising, and it certainly does not guarantee it would be more promising as the social circle increases.

A head start wouldn’t seem like such a bad idea.

4. The Biological Clock

"...I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire...I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it. –The Sound and the Fury, William Faulkner.

Time remains the luxury that we do not have, or so we are taught to think. I’ve seen my peers chasing after time, struggling and determine to complete education and get into the workforce as soon as possible, with the promise of the pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. I had a friend who got sent to kindergarten a year earlier, hence primary school entrance is a year earlier compared to peers his age. Even at my current pursuit of an ACCA qualification, I’ve come across students who had done their CAT(foundation studies) during their high school years, so they could “save time” and graduate earlier from college and work as quickly as possible, believing that one decision could spark a domino effect leading to earlier promotion and subsequently wealth and retirement.

Thus, it would seem highly inconsistent given that our parents would expose us to all sorts of materials before school in order to prepare us for a better life- to give us the edge and yet deprive us the early experience of interpersonal relationship. Do the complexities of the subjects in education surpass the intricacies of interpersonal relationship in such a way that the former is preferred to be given priority over the latter?

It can certainly be assumed to be the case, at least in Malaysia. This results in a distortion of growth; we see people who have enormous capacity for academic excellence are generally socially awkward, littered with poor communication skill and are the frequent tease of cum-at-first-sight instead of love at first sight. In normal circumstances, we see a slower growth in interpersonal relationship maturity and understanding.

(Personally, given that both are a vital component of a person’s life; I am certainly more comfortable in developing both at equal footing, with extra emphasis on protection for the latter.)

Although the effect of the problem affects both men and women, admittedly it has a larger impact upon the females of society, specifically females who are looking to reproduce. Due to medical opinion on optimum child birth age that is pegged to be before 30 (conservative estimate), women are under more pressure to find the suitable would be fathers of their child, meaning they need to have a stable relationship that could marry before they hit 30, assuming the couple only desires one child.

And even though as we grow older, the criteria that we would have to select a potential suitor which should be more detailed and specific is usually discarded, caving in to the pressure of biology clock among other factors. We start to look to the ones closer to us, some even relapse to previously failed relationships, disregarding obvious incompatibilities and impervious to difference in philosophy and values believing in the fact that we-can-work-things-out. A poor excuse for sexual intercourse by any standards.

5. The Butterfly Effect

Sitting upon the couch with a gigantic pot for a belly, with two kids to feed, the wife who once was the object of desire of the plenty is in the corridor nagging about the leaking faucet, the insufficient dough along with the mountain of bills accumulating on the table next to the door, along with the looming college education that costs a bomb and the dead end job that overworks and underpays.

Amidst all of the headaches, one wonders where it all went wrong.

As illustrated at the beginning: A butterfly flutters its wing in New Delhi and half way across the globe, Taiwan is hit by a tornado.

The Peril of Love : Part II

2010-10-04T23:11:00.003+08:00

The Martyr Man

"...Too much virtue was thus seen as a vice. Perhaps that explains why so many saints end up as martyrs. They are simply too irritating." -The Economist, 21st August 2010

In part I, we've looked at how a "nice guy" would divert in courtship. Type A is usually seen in characters with low self-esteem, who generally do not think that they are good enough for the girl (probably due to physical appearances), and so they devise a different tactic- to be friends first. They come with various methods get closer to you, i.e. requests to be your pet brother. However, type A guys are easy to look out for and avoid whereas type B are the ones who are harder to spot.

Type Bs are the ones who realize that they should just go for the damn bush instead spending so much time beating around it. They understand that in order to win the attention of a lady, they need to look confident, charismatic and intellectual. Plus, a six pack definitely wouldn't hurt. This is the reason why Type Bs are tremendously hard to spot in a social context. They package themselves to be genuine nice guys, and the perfect lover.

Type B guys are also separated by two categories. The Alpha males, easy to distinguished, are commonly known to society as jerks. These men would be on their best behaviour on dates, seem pleasant and agreeable, and some are even able to fake genuine interest in their female counterpart. That is until bedroom activity happens. After which, depending on their date's sexual attractiveness and their prowess in bed, their interest normally wanes and the calls stop coming. These are the Barney Stinsons, Don Juans and Casanovas of society.

These womanizers are only after one thing - sex. And they are easy to identify because they almost always will steer the conversation into that direction, especially after some food and wine. Well, mostly wine.

Beta males are also common, but subtle. The range of these Beta males varies, but they are usually painted as confident, charismatic and charming. Every joke is savvy, every story is animated and every compliment sincere. These individuals are the life of the party, and their personalities are magnetic. When they speak, they leave their audience transfixed and hanging on to their every word. Their life experiences become fodders for their stories and it spans far and wide, from logical insightful to the far-fetched stories that seems uncanny. It's hard to not be attracted to larger than life personas like these.

Of course, I'm not saying that all who possesses such personality traits are type B beta, rather, it is the beta of type B who love to camouflage themselves as such, and it is hard to tell whether or not beneath the charming exterior, a twisted monster lies in wait. However, there is one trait that they cannot elude one with acute observation and sense of perspective, and this trait will surface no matter how they try to hide it.

But first, we shall look at the mechanics of these individuals.

1. Everybody in Wonderland

I believe everyone lives in a world that is somewhat different from reality. In our world, everything is perfect and ideal. We project these perfections to the world, making the world a reality of our mental projection. This is argued in Plato's Theory of Forms, which could simply be illustrated with the Student Expectancy Model.

The model is the simple observation of students from the age of 6 to 17. Take any sample size of students that reside in the city, the preferred ethnicity being Chinese, and observe them during results day of a major exam. Then, scrutinize their reaction toward their result. The pattern would be clear, some students will be overjoyed just because of a sheer pass in their examination whereas some would be extremely disappointed with a minor B slipped in between their list of As.

The mixed reactions stem from the different expectations of results. They can be grouped in three categories: there are those who worked hard and are rewarded with excellent results, there are those who worked hard and did not achieve the high grades or scores they wanted, and then there are those who did not study at all but somehow scraped through. Among these three categories, those who worked hard and did not score would feel disappointed, no doubt. They are the ones that who would cry, and in some extreme cases, commit suicide. In the cases of these students, ideal (being straight As for their examinations) did not meet reality.

Naturally, we would think our effort would equate in proportion to success, but we often leave out one key component: the required effort to attain success in a given context. When we undertake to grow the best coffee bean in the world, we would think of getting the right location, soil, crop, skills, etc. But what about other factors that we aren't aware of?

What if the required effort actually surpassed our estimated effort?

By wrongly estimating our efforts required, we would be disappointed by the results. Normally, the general populace would then re-examine the estimated effort and restructure it to the targeted outcome, in this case, better coffee beans. However, the outliers of the said populace fail to see the outcome as their own failure or weakness, instead, blaming it on cosmic conspiracy. Fixated on the ideal that their effort put in cannot be inadequate, they constantly seek out other factors to blame.

Welcome to the world of the obsessive.

2. Obsession

There is a fallacy in the general idea of obsession. When we witness a man's relentless pursuit of a girl, we could come out with numerous perspectives. From the said man's perspective, perseverance. From his friend's perspective, persistence. From her friend's perspective, insistence and from her own perspective, obsession.

When we think about obsession, we often relate it to individuals who can't tear themselves away from performing a certain action, such as a person washing his hands repeatedly in the washroom for hours. Sadly, we are mistaken. The behaviours we see are the manifestation of an idea, as for the case above, the idea of a squeaky clean hand.

All of us exhibit these little character defects, whether trivial or not. It is well documented in films of romance genre, i.e. before a man approaches a woman, he would rehearse his pick up lines in front of a mirror for minutes to hours, depending on whether he's a suave gentleman, or a wimpy kid. The same can be said for women who simply can't tear themselves away from the mirror, wondering if their jeans make them look fat. The speech rehearsal does not represent an obsessive behaviour towards looking into a mirror, but rather, the idea of a good pickup line, or jeans that make your butt look smaller, that is driving the repeated behaviour of speech rehearsals and long hours in front of the mirror.

Thus, obsession is the fixation of an idea and the unhealthy attachment that comes with it; this behaviour is merely the result of a character defect. Left uncontrolled, it would intensify and grow overtime, embedding itself into the core of an individual, becoming the individual itself.

In relation to the man who is relentless in his pursuit, we could ascertain the cause of his actions to the idea that she is "the one" among some other complexities. It is common for people to mistake obsession with love. In extreme cases, fixations towards the idea that a person is 'the one' left uncontrolled would result in internet stalking, endless phone calls and text messages and eventually heartaches that occasionally lead to tragedies.

3. The Common Denominator

In my efforts to further understand obsession, I've identified four major causes to this character defect: ethnic culture, mainstream media, personal experience and influence from persons of significant position, namely parents and close friends.

Coincidentally, the factors that attribute to the obsessive behaviour are the same factors that define us. Our respective ethnic cultures define social appropriateness while the mainstream media that are heavily imported from the west would dislodge its hold upon the young minds. Under the supervision of parents, these would further be refined to what is acceptable in society.

However, when we exit from the protective zone built by our parents and into the world, our personal experience may further tilt the paradigms instilled over the years. We often find that the world is not how our parents described it to be, it tends to be more dire than it is painted to be or more optimistic than initially thought to be. One version of parental instilled reality that I've heard of is that the cyber cafe is a shoddy place where kids play computer games while getting high on drugs. Overly dramatic.

The failure to discern reality from given reality results in huge inconsistencies. You may find the child of the said parents condemning cyber cafe throughout his entire life and yet still party in the club religiously. Over a period of time, this would become a reality in the child's head, and when he becomes a parent, he would pass this down as logic. We so often take information for granted, ignoring that information does not equal knowledge.

The intricate complexities in between these factors are far beyond the context of this article, but the effects are profound and worse, it compounds. Since obsessive individuals share the common root cause, they too suffer the common consequences - control. Between the idealistic world and the real world lies a gap, and they attempt to reconcile the differences through control.

This is the trait that sticks out like a sore thumb.

4. The Controller

Love is akin to ballroom dancing - two persons sharing one movement. When that mutual consent ceases to exist, so shall the partnership. But more often than not, that is not the case. The beta type B usually approaches love differently. Instead of mutual consent, these guys view love as a game; a game that they win by exacting control.

As mentioned previously, the controller can be confident, charming and sweet. Using words to throw you off your guard and entering your world at ease, the controller may render many helpless. But there is usually a clear pattern to be seen.

The relationship will start on a high, but decent rapidly. The sweet and charming exterior look to be nothing but a facade over a period of time, and when that veil comes off, the stage rear its ugly face as the martyr man.

5. Signs

The downhill struggle begins with minor requests that include changing your hair colour, leaving it longer, putting on more dresses, quitting smoking and clubbing (despite the fact that that's where you met him), etc. Initially when denied, they would give reasons as to why they would make such requests and make convincing statements that would change your mind. Statements like, you look nicer in dresses, your short stubby legs are less visible with longer skirts, smoking will reduce your lifespan hence reducing our time together are used to conceal their desire to mould you into that ideal of you in their head, and away from reality.

Soon, the disproportionate allocation of time agitates him. He complains about the time spent at work or with friends, being more than the time spent with him. His rule of thumb is that if you are able to spend 3 hours with your friend, you should have the same amount of time spent on him.

He becomes more possessive as he regularly scans through your text messages, claiming that if you have nothing to hide, you would not mind him going through it. Social gatherings at the pub will result in hourly phone calls or text messages probing location and time of return. He becomes incredibly suspicious of male colleagues that are nice, claiming that all men who are that nice, just wants to bed you. He is afraid that if you are nice toward others, other might be attracted to you and that might affect the grip he has on you.

The symptoms will intensify as the martyr man fails to understand why you need additional friends when he is present. There are cases where the possessive will impose physical limitation as to how close two person of opposite sexes should be, and that includes friendship hugs or even talking to a male counterpart.

The emotional blackmail (better known as the silent treatment) comes when one fails to comply with the implied standard. When asked for an explanation of how you might have offended the great mighty one, the standard response would be such as "Why do I need to teach you how to love me?" or "If I need to tell you what you did wrong, there is no point of us being together."

After the period of cold war has ended, the discussion begins. Albeit with a twist; you will soon discover that the discussion isn't what it turns out to be as he pins everything that went wrong on you, and every word that comes out from your mouth is turned and twisted into something else in entirety. Instead of reconciliation, it became a fault finding debate. And one will find oneself at the losing end.

6. The Martyr Man

After his manipulation fails, he would begin to lament at your inability to comprehend the effort that he puts in, how insensitive you are to his feelings when you choose to hang out with your friends instead of him and how much you have (failed/displease/insult/hurt) him. But it's okay because he still loves you and has high hopes in you, as long as you change. He wants to work things out for the sake of love. If you try to bail, he would accuse you of not wanting to try anymore, that you are giving up on the relationship, and that all these time together meant nothing to you.

This is the ultimate weapon that the martyr man has within his arsenal. The ability to hurt others, and yet still be able to paint themselves as victim.

It could also be coupled with degrading insults, calling you a dumb bitch, selfish moron, fucking slut, useless whore, etc. Occasionally the verbal insult will be accompanied with the occasional punching of walls, smashing of chairs and "accidentally" hitting you with thrown keys, at your direction. It is purely accidental, which is of course, your fault for making him so angry in the first place.

If by some defect in self worth and self preservation that you survive this far and still remain at his side, I can safely conclude that to some extent, you agree to his method and you probably pull the exact same stunt on him. But here's where it gets dangerous. The arguments will come; both parties will start yelling because nobody is listening. The deployment of manipulation to control the other party will begin. The man will swear at the woman, and the woman deciding to not take his shit will swear back at him. He then threatens hit her, to which she replies:"You don't have the fucking balls to do it".

The twist this time, Betty got it wrong.

In the world of the obsessive, logic twists and turns in epic proportion. The individual inflicted with such disorder is stuck in a mode of repetition, a behaviour that constantly manifests itself with a different woman. In time, the fixation of ideals becomes deeply rooted within an individual, and this obsessive behaviour can be near impossible to fix. Just like the tangled wire you keep hidden behind the television set for the sake of appearance, so will they come at you as such.

I have only one advice: Run.

=====

(I've only listed out the common behaviour that I've come across in my research. This author acknowledges there are more dysfunctional manifestations in the controlling behavioural.)

The Peril of Love : Part I

2010-08-30T23:56:00.014+08:00

The Nice-Guy-Finish-Last Conundrum

“I love her so much that I’ve given everything I had for her; be it financial resources or emotional needs, I have always, always been there for me through thick and thin, for the better and for worse, but did she ever reciprocate? No, she played me like a fool that heartless bitch!”

“Sigh, I knew it from the beginning that it wouldn’t happen between us. How can I be so naïve to believe that she is the one for me? How could I have thrown myself at her when I know I don’t stand a chance against such an angel? I am such a fool.”

Above are extractions from two different individuals who’s identity will be better left in anonymity. If you were to put them together in a social environment, say in a bar or a coffee house, you would find that they are the exact opposite of each other: one is aggressive, the other passive. This distinct difference in their approach with general matters in life results in a huge variance despite environmental similarities. However, they do share one common ground though, that is both are victim of unrequited love.

Unreciprocated love is well documented in literature and history, well sung out by Taylor Swift; well represented in popular television series like Friends, How I met your Mother, the Big Bang Theory et cetera. There are numerous directors who centralize the entire movie on this idea, like the very recent 500 Days of Summer. It wouldn’t be unfair to say, unreciprocated love is as popular as any mainstream media. If you own a Facebook account (who doesn’t?), it is extremely likely that at any given point of time you’ll have one or two friends posting something regarding this issue on their wall, lamenting at the cessation of progress with their object of desire.

So what went wrong?

Human are creatures that require a consistent stream of gratification that is proportionate to expected effort. Let us assume that an employer hires John to sit in the office to do the accounts from eight to five everyday and promises John the reward of three thousand dollars a month. At the end of the first month, John gets exactly what he expect and returns home satisfied because the effort expended is matched by the promised prize. On the following month, John’s boss gave him a bonus increment and innocently promised John more bonuses if he continues to perform.

Note that, the innocent promise that John’s boss consciously or sub-consciously made, mirrors the bear riding tragedy which tells the tale of an Englishman who went hunting alone on a Sunday afternoon. During the hunt, the hunter slipped and fell down a ledge, incapacitating his right leg. A bear soon appears, and the hunter sees an opportunity in disguise. He skillfully tricks the bear into a free ride by a simple use of bait, a branch stick and some rope. By attaching the end of things together, he has now effectively turned the bear into his mindless transport, chasing after a reward that seems just one step away from reality. This creates a gap between what one is expected to receive and what is actually received and that gap is one bear claw away.

The uncertainty of the promise keeps the bear going because the reward looks to be just one step ahead, yet with every step it seems further away. Hours go by, the disillusionment sets in; the bear knows something is amiss. Eventually, the delay of gratification becomes too painful to withstand. Finally, when the bear realizes who was the pulling the string… let’s just say that the hunter was lucky enough to get out of it alive. The lesson here is that when you create a gap between actual reward and expected reward for motivational purposes, there is a risk of backlash if you withhold the reward for far too long.

After twenty years of no raise and bonuses, John hobbles into his boss’ office and gave his boss a piece of his mind before he quits-on a Monday morning, with a crippled right leg along with a few claw marks on his back.

The tale above is a simple example, but it has wide application in our society today, especially in the world of video games. The entire gaming industry is based on this concept of delayed gratification of rewards. Games like World of Warcraft, Everquest et cetera has millions of players on their knees by the delaying of in-game treasures to the point where players are on the verge of giving up for the search of the particular rare item, but persevere anyway thinking that the next treasure box will contain that precious reward.

So how does this factor into our nice guys?

Most people fall in love in a similar fashion; boy meets girl, they exchange a look, and then grab a cup of coffee. It doesn’t take long for a lunch date, followed by dinner where dessert will include a slice of cake with two dessert spoon. What had started out as a platonic relationship soon matures into something deeper and carries more meaning. The beauty in all of this is that it all happens naturally, without any party consciously maintaining the buoyancy of the relationship. No doubt there would be heated debates and disagreements, and yes, sometimes it gets tiring, but at the end of the day, there was no effort needed or expended to start solving the differences. One of my favourite lines in How I met your mother is this: “relationships are hard but if you know that someone is worth it, if you love him or her, then it just ceases to be difficult.” Our focus will divert from what is difficult to what solves the problem, thus the beauty of love lies within the simplicity in what would be otherwise, complicated.

Where the norms are at, the nice guy differs in a way which is very subtle because they camouflage themselves as hopeless romantics. A nice guy will fall in love first, usually at first contact, claiming it to be love at first sight when in actual fact, it is just infatuation; but no, they are too poetic for that. Everything they describe of her has to be how enchanting her long silky brown hair sways from left to right when she walks, or how when she smiles the corner of her eyes crinkle up in such a way that exuberates experience with a pinch of sorrow along with…I’m going to stop here and pray to God you get my point.

They would divert in courtship: type A will come at you with a certain degree of passiveness, wanting to be your friend first so they can slip into your life, becoming the soft shoulder you’re looking for when you fall out from the couple paradise and hopefully, one day they can make that transition to slipping into your pants. These guys will go through all the rainy days with you hoping that one day, you could wake up to realize that the guy you’ve been searching for all along, is right in front of you; effectively becoming your best friend and your lover.

Type B nice guy would be more polished in their approach, perhaps from their experience in being type A. These guys are the ones who know that sitting around waiting for that one chance is a long shot, prompting them to grab the bull by its horn…by glorifying the target. They are the kind of guys who would overdo things: spending lavishly on gifts irrespective to appropriateness of such gestures, sending you texts telling you how special and great you are, profusely expressing their lingering thought of you in their mind. To them, you’re like the a Goddess on the altar, and they worship you by bringing you tributes upon tributes, wishing that one day they would ascend to your stature, and sit next to you on the altar high above.

Note that, none of the nice guy above actually wants to get to know and love you for who you are. They are so infatuated with your outer appearance that they shape your image in their head with what they perceive your personality to be. If they do not know you long enough, they would fill up the entire unknown with characteristic that are derived from movies (Allison from the Notebook), romance novel (Jamie from A Walk to Remember) and so on. Soon, the nice guy would paint a perfect portrait of you, which explains why they would persist so hard in their pursuit of you despite being rejected over and over again. How could anyone let go something that amazing and complete?

It wouldn’t take long for any self loving female to realize the situation that she is in, nor does it take that long for a nice guy to notice that his pursuit are to no avail. A gap between expected rewards against actual reward surfaces, the countdown begins; somewhere, a poor soul’s beautiful day shall be marred by the backlash of the discontented not-so-nice guy.

The whining would begin with how much effort expended in your name and was not responded in kind. He would complain about girls not knowing how to appreciate nice guys like him and how all girls prefer to be treated like crap by bad boys. He would also tell all his friends about the mistreatment he gets and you’ll end up with a vile reputation. The nice guy do not understand the saying, all is fair in love and war. They are hardwired to believe that if they did enough for you, you should automatically fall in love with them. It’s like they had obtained an ancient secret checklist of criteria to fulfill and by adhering to that, the object of desire would and should be in love with them. The idea of love thus becomes a one way street and nice guys are stuck at the giving side, mourning at the fact that they are not being given something in return when in reality, the “love” they give was never received nor was it even wanted in the first place.

Still feeling sorry for your friend who finished last?

The Peril of Love : Introduction

2010-08-29T03:15:00.017+08:00

The Love Paradox

“Maybe all you need is love” -John Lennon, the Beatles.

If anything could endure a lifetime and still remain a startling mystery, it is love. So long has it been a subject of attention in literature, music and puzzlement to the men and women of science. But no matter how little understanding we have of the subject itself, we derive a great deal out of it; whether it may be joy or sorrow, it propels us forward, giving us a reason to live. Love is so great, so highly sought after that it is worth dying for, or is it?

One afternoon over lunch, I was discussing the subject of love with a couple of close confidants. One insisted that love is about sacrifice, another insisted that love is about making the other person happy, while we heatedly debate this matter, a stranger over at the next table that has been eavesdropping on our conversation offered his opinion that it is about that feeling that you get when you think of someone, that shiver you get when you’re with that special someone, and that hollowed out feeling when you’re not with them.

However, I believe one definition suffices; love is the art of giving without any expectation of any kind in return. If love is able to give, love must be able to accept as well. Love is never a one way street where only one party gives and another party receives, that would constitute a trade relationship between supplier and customer.

It doesn’t take long to realize that one shoe does not fit all, that it doesn’t apply to every situation simply because love can be derive differently from one individual to another. Therefore this derivation may be a fallacy. This means, what is perceived as love, may just be an illusion created from an individual’s desperation and desire to loved and appreciated. This means that love can exist in a different context from person to person, making the derivation of love from a trade relationship very possible, but how?